Muse

With pen to paper
my muse - sorrow
So how will my ink bleed
when i look forward to 'morrow..

Time to discover,
and I suppose, time to see..
time to be enlightened
by this version of me

Where has the day gone

A few points to note about today in no particular order...........

1. I miss my BFF
2. I can eat a naartjie in like 2 minutes
3. Driving in a car when it's sunny and music playing is a very good situation to be in
4. I miss my BF
5. Not eating today and running around has burned more calories than a gym session
6. Ergo there will be no gym session again this evening
7. It's called balance..
8. Today's level of multitasking was at all time high
9. Management meetings suck
10. All eMD meetings suck

Words

In the still of the night I lie awake
The silence has a pulse that matches this ache
moon shines a light, the only light i see
the rest is black 

The Tuesday Theory

So for those who know me intimately and as best as I allow certain people to know me.... they would tell you I'm going through another very tumultuous time in my life. I tend to have these moments or phases if you will. However I never really get to take any official sabbatical to realign the mind, heart and soul to figure out exactly what it is I am constantly trying to figure out.................... who I truly am, where I fit, and what I want out of life.

Little too intense for a rainy Tuesday morning? Yeah I thought so too..... welcome to my life.

If we constantly mould ourselves to suit situations and people in every day experiences, then surely the only time we're truly being ourselves is when we're alone? In Japan they have a theory, one I resonate with (as I'm sure most do), and that's that we actually have 3 faces....

So back to my theory on why I am always on the great search for self understanding. When for many, many years you constantly spend 80% of your day showing the 2 faces that require presenting in the real world..... then perhaps that's where the confusion comes in? You start to forget the 3rd one, the true one.... who you are.... but the next part is... if the other 2 are there most of the time... is that not more of who you now actually are... and the 3rd is just a figment of what once was.... it was your base for building into who you are now. 

Anyway a million bucks says you read this and say wow, you really are lost, or confused, or high on cocaine.... but no, well, no to the coke... I don't think there's any light, answers or self awareness at the end of a R20 note....

Philosophizing about life and it's meaning and people and their purposes is all fun and games until you realise you haven't discovered your own. I know that there are plenty things I want to insist on making time for that I haven't been, I guess life takes over what we want out of it essentially.

Everyone says "as long as we're having fun....." and while I agree, I also have a deep yearning and always have for "as long as what I'm doing has meaning..." so ya, balance to be found... The saga continues.... until one day the the last side of the rubicks cube clicks in place and everything makes sense.

Until then................ 

Making the most of the unknown

Food for thought

It takes less time to do the right thing,
than it does to explain why you did it wrong ...

LP..

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming
Confusing what is real
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling
Confusing what is real

Like it doesn't hurt...