Sink or swim

Risk = potential reward
Risk = potential failure

50/50 ..... Potential regret on both sides of the coin. So? Which end do you jump in? The shallow end - safe choice - nothing lost, nothing gained... Tomorrow comes, same as yesterday type thing.. Or, do you jump in the deep end and sink..... Or swim... ?

Well I chose deep and......drowned.... So the regret is at least a tried and tested regret as opposed to "I wish I knew" regret. Which in practice holds no substance. The benefit of taking chances or putting yourself out there, is that you learn more about how you actually are or feel or can be or can't be. You have the opportunity now to regroup and hopefully redeem the failed attempt or reap the reward - as a first prize :) hahaha. If you get the second chance that is.... But if you do, then you gotta be sure of the realisation that clarity is waiting at the backend of it. We all need clarity, as do I.

So.... drown once?
Life vest second time round.
Third time round.... Swim laps or stay inside.

Gotta get there......

Working on my 'core'

Some days are up... some days are down. But I have learnt that for every action there is a reaction... for every word said, well... they cannot be said in vain.. because what is said - is heard and understood. So if you have nothing nice to say - don't say it if you believe that it'll affect an end result to which you care about. Rather choose your words carefully, don't say a word, or when you do, make sure it's always a 'truth' even if it is just 'I hope you are having a great day' or something random like that... it needs to be truthful that that's what I really hope. Otherwise plain and simple - leave it out.. No need to get ahead of yourself and overcompensate and over talk and at the same time too, no need to not say a word and say too little when you'd rather have said more. Being truthful in your words and actions with people is just so powerful when it comes to 'after' the fact. So ya, I guess we talk more with some, less with others, none with some... as long as the balance is a honest reflection of yourself and your ideas and feelings toward these people, then in theory... you should feel better about yourself. Like my boss, I should probably talk to him more... but he's hardly ever available, and the rep in cape town - I often wonder how she's doing, and think of things I need to tell her, but I don't... then there are those who I feel like I'm talking to all the time, which a lot of the time isn't really necessary... So ya, just working on the balance. Time and effort to the levels they deserve in my mind.. And by deserve I mean given the relationship between myself and them. Whether it be family, work or friend.... I think we'd just feel a lot better if those things were right. So... working on 'balance' with that.. and that said..............................

Bunch of.....

I feel sick.... Heartbroken and just....sick.... If only one thing could change how I feel about this day... Its been one thing after another today..., but this has left me with little hope of that...

Affect vs effect

The movie affected my usual calm demeanor, leaving a rather negative effect on my vocabulary.....

Money in the swear jar.....
If I had a swear jar...... Or any money :/

Pics to smile about..

Sober audiences have no 'escape...'

Never ever watch A little bit of heaven.... Ever! Fuck sad movies and their dying people and didn't get to live with someone they just fell for.... Just don't.... And fuck today.

I didn't know I could cry this much.... Probably wasn't a good idea to watch it... Probably not a great idea to watch any more.... Maybe a comedy is in order... Taking suggestions....

Never stop what you love...

Ben Howard - Dancing in the dark (Springsteen cover)

Wye Oak - Dance my Pain Away

We all like cool things... and things cool...

Words to sleep on...

Finding harmony

When what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony...... then you are happy.
I used to say cool things like everything happens for a reason and fate and destiny have our plans secure, so whatever choice we make is always the right one ... in theory. I don't think that's altogether true anymore, I think that we are provided the spaces, places, tools and opportunities, and the rest is up to us. Life can't just happen, I think we make it happen.

Anyway, its the weekend... with tomorrow being a hot day, seems like the best reason to lie on the grass with a book and tan, while the planes fly overhead.

We only ever exist in 'today'

Everything I had in mind for myself, and everything I still I do, seemed so far away to be concerned with at the time. When you're in high school, it's all about 'what will you study and what would you like to be when you're done?' you never get depressed and answer, 'I'd like to do this, but most likely case is that I'll hate it half way through and drop out and probably get a job through someone I know because he coincidently needs someone right now and I have bills to pay.' you smile at the question and the prospect of it all and enter a sort of daydream at time of explanation. Then when you're outta school and studying perhaps - if you managed to get there so far.... Your friends and family all talk about when you're older what do you want to have in your life that'll that'll prove you've made it as far as being happy goes? And at what ages doing what? And we all say the exact same thing, as if by some genetic inheritance, we are all meant to yearn after the same eventual style of life and process it takes to get there. We respond by saying, 'I'd like to be in a job that I do well in and enjoy, potentially successful at, happily married to my best friend and kids even. I'll have done all that I wanted to do, like see other places in the world, and you know, nice home, pets and the rest.... We actually smile while we say this... As if it's some beautiful wrapped package deal that we are just waiting to receive when we're ready to. There's no shuddering at the thought, no anxious feeling of, what if no one wants me, or the dr tells me I'll never be able to have children, or my job isn't great enough to really even cover the bills let alone have a great house. Not even one of these thoughts cross our minds at the point in time that the plan evolves in ours minds and starts being discussed among others. And why is that? Why is it that no one goes, flip.... Well that sounds a little over ambitious dontcha think? You're basically saying you're going to have it all!? No one tells you that your little fairy tale idea of how things pan out, never pans out that way, women start extending their age of when they'll be married, they downscale their number of kids in mind if they even know they can and still want them at all.... Their dream home will never be their dream home - fact. And they develop allergies and can't have any fucking cats and there isn't a big enough yard for any dogs. Wow, depressing.. Welcome to real life. PS, we didn't wanna ruin your day dream, but now that you're here and shit's a mess... Well, um.... Surprise!!!! I guess the sad thing about all of this, is that for a long time we all say one day, or later, or some day.... But even though there is so much life left to live.... This already IS the some day, one day, later part.... And Jesus! didn't it creep up out of nowhere.... Coz trust me I'm not sitting here now, still, and going someday I'll be this and have that and and.... Ok maybe a little, I'm not thaaat old yet. ;) But.... My smile isn't as big as is was when I said it in high school, and my daydream isn't as mesmerizing and cloud nine feeling as it was when I was fresh out of school. So yeah, it's sad that our smiles should start to disappear, but rather that than the dreams change to less just in order to wear a smile in the dream.... I suppose it'll be different for everyone.

 

Brakes

So it took a while, but at long last ...... white brakes. As my luck would have it, they were only available to me a little later than the time I actually needed them for. Why is it that Murphy takes a sick pleasure in creating such scenarios. Anyway, it didn't matter because there's be plenty opportunity for me to roll out with a piece of the missing puzzle finally in full view of everyone, and not just my mind's eye... Well few things have happened since my bike building escapades started... and lets just say that for some time now, I've pretty much been left to my own devices when it comes to fixing, sorting and building. Trust me... this is the fun part! Until such time that you are a tad confused about how to add this new part to your already-in-motion bicycle. Well long story short, I have half of the front brake on (well its half complete) and have not yet done the rear. I was first trying to figure out how how the hell just to remove the old brake - which bolt to unscrew... hmmm... it took a good few minutes, a cup of tea and relooking at the bike all over to discover that I in fact just needed to untighten the allen key in the frame. Well didn't I feel like an idiot then....? At least I was alone.............. (Sometimes that's not depressing, and actually reputation saving), haha....though I have just hereby, ruined that save. :/ Sweet, so out with the old and in with the new... brake on, grease all over my friggin hands from the headset. I don't love that. Keeps happening. Loose headset, too tight headset... well... left to own devices I said = dirty girl hands. Anyway so now I'm stuck at the part where I need to slide a wire through another little section and clamp that shit.. but the fitting makes sense on the old brake... the new one is different, and different means I'm not sure how to tackle it. I'm thinking about taking it to a bike shop to just fit them, but then I'd be giving in... and I don't give in until I honestly believe I can't do it........... 

Here's a little glimpse anyway :) PS - just shorting pink brake pads. soon though... 

6 in 1 aint fun

What is it with 6 pack milk packaging and it just....not..... being strong enough to hold all the milks???! FFS Not once, ever, in my history and existence of milk purchasing, have I ever been able to carry the milk box by the designated finger place holders from shelf to car. Packaging FAIL. I'm sorry, but if you're going to group all 6 cartons together so that we get our measly R2.00 discount as opposed to buying them all separately, make sure the average individual can carry that shit to the boot of his/her car. And not just make it there, but also with a smile on their face, not a panicked oh-my-fuck-this-shit's-bout-to-tear look whilst you have no free hands coz you're carrying other packets, a handbag and car keys! And God forbid the packer will put this 6 pack of milks in a packet.. noooooo, this is designed for packetless carrying. Well, I'd like to debate that falsely implanted misconception by way of a demonstration. Next time I have milk on the list, I'm going to document that shit. Could Parmalat PLEASE design stronger packaging for their milks... else leave the friggin cartons, all loose, we'll pay our R2.00 extra, and the packer will pack that shit in a packet! Problem solved.

Sincerely
I refuse to cry over spilt milk...

....what he said..