Words

In the still of the night I lie awake
The silence has a pulse that matches this ache
moon shines a light, the only light i see
the rest is black 

The Tuesday Theory

So for those who know me intimately and as best as I allow certain people to know me.... they would tell you I'm going through another very tumultuous time in my life. I tend to have these moments or phases if you will. However I never really get to take any official sabbatical to realign the mind, heart and soul to figure out exactly what it is I am constantly trying to figure out.................... who I truly am, where I fit, and what I want out of life.

Little too intense for a rainy Tuesday morning? Yeah I thought so too..... welcome to my life.

If we constantly mould ourselves to suit situations and people in every day experiences, then surely the only time we're truly being ourselves is when we're alone? In Japan they have a theory, one I resonate with (as I'm sure most do), and that's that we actually have 3 faces....

So back to my theory on why I am always on the great search for self understanding. When for many, many years you constantly spend 80% of your day showing the 2 faces that require presenting in the real world..... then perhaps that's where the confusion comes in? You start to forget the 3rd one, the true one.... who you are.... but the next part is... if the other 2 are there most of the time... is that not more of who you now actually are... and the 3rd is just a figment of what once was.... it was your base for building into who you are now. 

Anyway a million bucks says you read this and say wow, you really are lost, or confused, or high on cocaine.... but no, well, no to the coke... I don't think there's any light, answers or self awareness at the end of a R20 note....

Philosophizing about life and it's meaning and people and their purposes is all fun and games until you realise you haven't discovered your own. I know that there are plenty things I want to insist on making time for that I haven't been, I guess life takes over what we want out of it essentially.

Everyone says "as long as we're having fun....." and while I agree, I also have a deep yearning and always have for "as long as what I'm doing has meaning..." so ya, balance to be found... The saga continues.... until one day the the last side of the rubicks cube clicks in place and everything makes sense.

Until then................ 

Making the most of the unknown

Food for thought

It takes less time to do the right thing,
than it does to explain why you did it wrong ...

LP..

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming
Confusing what is real
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling
Confusing what is real

Like it doesn't hurt...

Letters from the sky

And then one day... the sky broke................ <3

Searching..

Funny how you just grow into music..... Sometimes you're just not ready for it.. And then one day, you just are...

You know your truth by the way it feels...

It's so true though isn't..... People will think, "oh look another quote" ..... But think about it...... The truth of any situation is in "feeling" ................... Does this make me feel uncomfortable, does this make me feel happy, does this make me laugh, does this make me sad, does this make me feel good, like I want to do it again.... and again..... or feeling something inside that you didn't know you could feel? Whether good or bad.... All those feelings are "truths" about your mind, body and heart.... Why not just listen............. and follow through............ it's funny how clear things become.................. and how GOOD that makes me feel.... becoming clear on what my truths are. It's pretty special. 

Why is everyone messing around

Life is so short.... and it's evident that when things in your life are perhaps not ideal, and you hear of tragedy, it affects you that much more................

Here we all are worried about relationships and who we love and what's inside and this one wanting to divorce that one and unsure about people's feelings, and taking time to figure out shit and second chances cos these are the "toughest" situations we have to deal with.... and they probably are, but it's cos NO ONE thinks anymore about the whole "it could be worse" scenario anymore... NO ONE thinks about what they have......... we're all running around chasing paper and pipedreams and ignoring the love we already have, the home we have, the work we have, the friends we have....... cos society said "you deserve better" and "you can have whatever you want", so guess what ... we go after whatever we want.... not knowing that life does in fact come with boundaries and you can't actually just have whatever you want..... it's so sad how the world has changed.............

When a guy dies.............................. and someone has lost a father.................. someone has lost a husband.................... when they thought they had thousands of "tomorrows"............ and heaven forbid if one thing was left unsaid, one truth, one "i love you" or "thank you" or ............ "sorry"

I immediately thought of the person / people in my life..... if anything had to happen to them............ and let me tell you something if you will let your mind imagine that feeling, actually see it in your mind..... the feeling of no more tomorrows with them..... well let's just say.... they always say, "don't spend time with someone or find someone who you can "live with" ..... be with someone / spend time with the people you "can't live without"...... When you know, you know.... go for that. Don't kid yourself.... That's why smarter people end up with fewer friends...

We all have a lot of emotional growing up to do.......................... I could die tomorrow... anyone could. Why am I or anyone wasting their time...see your family, check in with your friends, love your husbands and wives, leave the relationships where love is gone.... spend it with those who do.... Just ya... it's a an endless conversation or discussion I guess.......

I guess the old truth always goes that other people's deaths teach others to live... lessons are everywhere... it's to pay attention to them that makes it worthwhile in the grand scheme of life.....anyway we're all different... we learn at different times from different situations............. I get that.... but yeah, This story just affected my thoughts...........

RIP D.P

Such special things to discover.

A step at a time..

Aaaaaaah..........This is home to me..................................................
I want to live every day in the way this makes me feel. How do I get there.......? haha

When you realise what really makes you happy, what makes Me happy.... it was such simple, simple things, and it all came back to music... and feeling.... The passion and depth that live inside these people.... and it has always ignited it in me... Hmmm, how far gone am I in the stuff I've been interpreting as happiness.... not that I wasn't happy at the time..... But I guess I allowed myself to find happiness in everything I did anyway.....but was it my ultimate version.....? I don't know... But it's always good to give yourself time to remember who you are when you have no choice but just being you.... But yeah..... Wow....... this is just moving and incredible on another level.,,,

There is nothing clear about the colour grey

It just doesn't make sense......................

How life has changed....

I think I belong to yesteryear.........

when tradition was important and the old school way of life made us happier than dreaming the impossible dream.

Halt and Catch Fire

Aaaaaaaaaaaah Hurry up, we're dying here without the eps... Well it might just be me, haha, having serious withdrawal.... quite possibly one of the coolest series in a long time...........

Coldplay - Violet hill

Pleasure Machine

Living is all the moments experienced, moments shared, especially around people you dig and love all the while being in a space that makes you feel good.............

A public page has been opened for my Uncle in his memory and from what I can see.... he was more of a legend in the music industry than I believed him to be. Pleasure machine - when I listen to the Pleasure machine videos (in this blog) it's like its from a Movie! Wild.... Guess that was the 60s for you :) So cool to hear.......... I've only ever known him to be playing cover music (albeit ever so brilliantly) at many different venues. But he was so much more than that which I only recently learned. He composed his own music... He actually had a CD made that was meant to be released but the guy who had it is his possession hadn't gone so far as to do so....... I don't like that "I never knew that" feeling about someone I care about when it's too late.... we should pay more attention to people who mean something to us.... we forget to ask questions and really listen and hear the stories. Anyway.....

I don't think he had much toward the end, but he still had his music....... and he was a fun, charismatic part of the family as crazy as he was. It was difficult to hear that he had passed away because him and my dad really were like best friends, and he was probably one the closest to me from that side of the family, because of comfort and familiarity to my childhood days.... Childhood - like I'm some old woman now, hahahaa. But really I just mean that part of my life. The days where I was growing up. We had a cool bond.....

My dad said something the other night and it just hit home, he said it's just so final... and that he just can't believe he won't see him even one more time, ever again... Anyway the life and death blog is for another time, because people still don't understand that all of this is temporary and that we needn't hide behind all the rules and norms....we should just do it how we choose......... and do it in a space that makes us feel good. At least he was doing that...It's one memory I'll always have of him.... whenever I saw him, he was always happy.....

May your soul rest in peace Uncle Gerry.......

Photos from the 60s

Awarded The best instrumentalist in his section.... Hahaha......I had no idea.....!

                                            

                                            On the Go Show 1968 Audio recording...............

An artist even............... I guess when you're creative, there are no areas you can't try your hand at...

Some of the music composed by him...... played with my dad and other uncle... they really just jammed every chance they got....... 

                                          

Sundays.........

It's Sunday and I'm just here crying at Britain's got talent auditions. Hahahaa... It's not as melancholy as it sounds, it's cool out, heater on.... Its where I want to be today. When a 15 year old guy sits down in front of a piano...... And sings a billy Joel song...... I'm already cold.... Then pan to dad and younger brother (of about 8 yrs) ...... dad's got tears in his eyes with full hope and nerves, basically feeling everything on behalf of his son.... Then you see the younger brother and he's welling up, chin trembling and his tears start to fall..... An eight year old boy, crying, for his brother, well that was me. I was finished...

Oh and of course he got through.. Happy tears........ The best kind.

And check this other guy out, because It's my new favorite song....