The pause button's broken

Today I am elated. Today I am struggling. Today I am letting my mind go to the place that it’s not meant to… I’m thinking about the purpose of life, the meaning of it all. Why all the struggles just to get to the happy place we all dream of, when as soon as we get there, instead of enjoying it, we start to worry about the thought of losing it. 

Why are we so concerned about the fact that one day it’s going to end? Why am “I” so concerned about it. Why do I feel like when I’m unhappy I wish I could go back in time to fix things, yet when I’m happy I want to go back in time and start it all a bit earlier? Or am I just like everybody else?

I’m listening to a song by The Script and it reminds me of the time that my sister and I danced in Grand West Casino’s hall to the concert and I remember the actual feeling. The joy, the happiness, the feeling of nothing else mattered. That moment right there is on my list of moments that I wish I could revisit. But we can’t. All we can do is look at the photos or listen to the song and remember the feeling, relive the feeling from where we’re sitting right now. 

Everything is amazing, every moment now is amazing, yet each day spent is another day towards the end. I don’t want it to end, I don’t understand why I’m here, I don’t understand why I had to struggle and then why when I’m happy, I have to accept that it will end at some point. Why? 

Why can’t I have all the time to see the world, make more mistakes, make more happy memories. Why do I need to be here if it’s not my choice? My choice is to live on forever. I am sad that I can’t plug into a device and virtually relive that experience, or just plug in and spend every day reliving the happiest moments. I feel sad that I don’t understand what’s really going on and I’m told to just go along with it. 

Life is actually just about enjoying the moments that are happening every day. there is no happily ever after, it’s happily every day. I don’t want it to end and I want to go back to certain things and I want to bottle up certain things. I want time to stop, it’s moving too fast.

sunset sentiments

The sun shines brighter,

I can’t explain it;

I see your lips move and I feel the warmth,

It emanates from you as it does from the sun;

The days where all I knew was nothing,

Have transformed into minutes that I savour until the sun sets,

But it never really sets -

It retreats to my heart for the time I’m beside you until morning is light,

Then it rises once more to meet you and the earth,

The earth we walk upon,

The earth where you are -

My warmth..

Groundhog Day...

Phil Connors finds himself caught in a time loop, repeating the same day again and again.

After indulging in hedonism and committing suicide numerous times, he begins to re-examine his life and priorities.....

He relives February second over and over again until he finally gets it right.

Priorities are so often left for tomorrow... and eventually we run out of tomorrows. If only time could really stand still until it's all figured out.............

Muse

With pen to paper
my muse - sorrow
So how will my ink bleed
when i look forward to 'morrow..

Time to discover,
and I suppose, time to see..
time to be enlightened
by this version of me

Where has the day gone

A few points to note about today in no particular order...........

1. I miss my BFF
2. I can eat a naartjie in like 2 minutes
3. Driving in a car when it's sunny and music playing is a very good situation to be in
4. I miss my BF
5. Not eating today and running around has burned more calories than a gym session
6. Ergo there will be no gym session again this evening
7. It's called balance..
8. Today's level of multitasking was at all time high
9. Management meetings suck
10. All eMD meetings suck

Words

In the still of the night I lie awake
The silence has a pulse that matches this ache
moon shines a light, the only light i see
the rest is black 

The Tuesday Theory

So for those who know me intimately and as best as I allow certain people to know me.... they would tell you I'm going through another very tumultuous time in my life. I tend to have these moments or phases if you will. However I never really get to take any official sabbatical to realign the mind, heart and soul to figure out exactly what it is I am constantly trying to figure out.................... who I truly am, where I fit, and what I want out of life.

Little too intense for a rainy Tuesday morning? Yeah I thought so too..... welcome to my life.

If we constantly mould ourselves to suit situations and people in every day experiences, then surely the only time we're truly being ourselves is when we're alone? In Japan they have a theory, one I resonate with (as I'm sure most do), and that's that we actually have 3 faces....

So back to my theory on why I am always on the great search for self understanding. When for many, many years you constantly spend 80% of your day showing the 2 faces that require presenting in the real world..... then perhaps that's where the confusion comes in? You start to forget the 3rd one, the true one.... who you are.... but the next part is... if the other 2 are there most of the time... is that not more of who you now actually are... and the 3rd is just a figment of what once was.... it was your base for building into who you are now. 

Anyway a million bucks says you read this and say wow, you really are lost, or confused, or high on cocaine.... but no, well, no to the coke... I don't think there's any light, answers or self awareness at the end of a R20 note....

Philosophizing about life and it's meaning and people and their purposes is all fun and games until you realise you haven't discovered your own. I know that there are plenty things I want to insist on making time for that I haven't been, I guess life takes over what we want out of it essentially.

Everyone says "as long as we're having fun....." and while I agree, I also have a deep yearning and always have for "as long as what I'm doing has meaning..." so ya, balance to be found... The saga continues.... until one day the the last side of the rubicks cube clicks in place and everything makes sense.

Until then................ 

Making the most of the unknown

Food for thought

It takes less time to do the right thing,
than it does to explain why you did it wrong ...

LP..

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming
Confusing what is real
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling
Confusing what is real

Like it doesn't hurt...

Letters from the sky

And then one day... the sky broke................ <3

Searching..

Funny how you just grow into music..... Sometimes you're just not ready for it.. And then one day, you just are...

You know your truth by the way it feels...

It's so true though isn't..... People will think, "oh look another quote" ..... But think about it...... The truth of any situation is in "feeling" ................... Does this make me feel uncomfortable, does this make me feel happy, does this make me laugh, does this make me sad, does this make me feel good, like I want to do it again.... and again..... or feeling something inside that you didn't know you could feel? Whether good or bad.... All those feelings are "truths" about your mind, body and heart.... Why not just listen............. and follow through............ it's funny how clear things become.................. and how GOOD that makes me feel.... becoming clear on what my truths are. It's pretty special. 

Why is everyone messing around

Life is so short.... and it's evident that when things in your life are perhaps not ideal, and you hear of tragedy, it affects you that much more................

Here we all are worried about relationships and who we love and what's inside and this one wanting to divorce that one and unsure about people's feelings, and taking time to figure out shit and second chances cos these are the "toughest" situations we have to deal with.... and they probably are, but it's cos NO ONE thinks anymore about the whole "it could be worse" scenario anymore... NO ONE thinks about what they have......... we're all running around chasing paper and pipedreams and ignoring the love we already have, the home we have, the work we have, the friends we have....... cos society said "you deserve better" and "you can have whatever you want", so guess what ... we go after whatever we want.... not knowing that life does in fact come with boundaries and you can't actually just have whatever you want..... it's so sad how the world has changed.............

When a guy dies.............................. and someone has lost a father.................. someone has lost a husband.................... when they thought they had thousands of "tomorrows"............ and heaven forbid if one thing was left unsaid, one truth, one "i love you" or "thank you" or ............ "sorry"

I immediately thought of the person / people in my life..... if anything had to happen to them............ and let me tell you something if you will let your mind imagine that feeling, actually see it in your mind..... the feeling of no more tomorrows with them..... well let's just say.... they always say, "don't spend time with someone or find someone who you can "live with" ..... be with someone / spend time with the people you "can't live without"...... When you know, you know.... go for that. Don't kid yourself.... That's why smarter people end up with fewer friends...

We all have a lot of emotional growing up to do.......................... I could die tomorrow... anyone could. Why am I or anyone wasting their time...see your family, check in with your friends, love your husbands and wives, leave the relationships where love is gone.... spend it with those who do.... Just ya... it's a an endless conversation or discussion I guess.......

I guess the old truth always goes that other people's deaths teach others to live... lessons are everywhere... it's to pay attention to them that makes it worthwhile in the grand scheme of life.....anyway we're all different... we learn at different times from different situations............. I get that.... but yeah, This story just affected my thoughts...........

RIP D.P

Such special things to discover.

A step at a time..

Aaaaaaah..........This is home to me..................................................
I want to live every day in the way this makes me feel. How do I get there.......? haha

When you realise what really makes you happy, what makes Me happy.... it was such simple, simple things, and it all came back to music... and feeling.... The passion and depth that live inside these people.... and it has always ignited it in me... Hmmm, how far gone am I in the stuff I've been interpreting as happiness.... not that I wasn't happy at the time..... But I guess I allowed myself to find happiness in everything I did anyway.....but was it my ultimate version.....? I don't know... But it's always good to give yourself time to remember who you are when you have no choice but just being you.... But yeah..... Wow....... this is just moving and incredible on another level.,,,

There is nothing clear about the colour grey

It just doesn't make sense......................