Aaaaaaah..........This is home to me..................................................
I want to live every day in the way this makes me feel. How do I get there.......? haha
When you realise what really makes you happy, what makes Me happy.... it was such simple, simple things, and it all came back to music... and feeling.... The passion and depth that live inside these people.... and it has always ignited it in me... Hmmm, how far gone am I in the stuff I've been interpreting as happiness.... not that I wasn't happy at the time..... But I guess I allowed myself to find happiness in everything I did anyway.....but was it my ultimate version.....? I don't know... But it's always good to give yourself time to remember who you are when you have no choice but just being you.... But yeah..... Wow....... this is just moving and incredible on another level.,,,
Aaaaaaaaaaaah Hurry up, we're dying here without the eps... Well it might just be me, haha, having serious withdrawal.... quite possibly one of the coolest series in a long time...........
Living is all the moments experienced, moments shared, especially around people you dig and love all the while being in a space that makes you feel good.............
A public page has been opened for my Uncle in his memory and from what I can see.... he was more of a legend in the music industry than I believed him to be. Pleasure machine - when I listen to the Pleasure machine videos (in this blog) it's like its from a Movie! Wild.... Guess that was the 60s for you :) So cool to hear.......... I've only ever known him to be playing cover music (albeit ever so brilliantly) at many different venues. But he was so much more than that which I only recently learned. He composed his own music... He actually had a CD made that was meant to be released but the guy who had it is his possession hadn't gone so far as to do so....... I don't like that "I never knew that" feeling about someone I care about when it's too late.... we should pay more attention to people who mean something to us.... we forget to ask questions and really listen and hear the stories. Anyway.....
I don't think he had much toward the end, but he still had his music....... and he was a fun, charismatic part of the family as crazy as he was. It was difficult to hear that he had passed away because him and my dad really were like best friends, and he was probably one the closest to me from that side of the family, because of comfort and familiarity to my childhood days.... Childhood - like I'm some old woman now, hahahaa. But really I just mean that part of my life. The days where I was growing up. We had a cool bond.....
My dad said something the other night and it just hit home, he said it's just so final... and that he just can't believe he won't see him even one more time, ever again... Anyway the life and death blog is for another time, because people still don't understand that all of this is temporary and that we needn't hide behind all the rules and norms....we should just do it how we choose......... and do it in a space that makes us feel good. At least he was doing that...It's one memory I'll always have of him.... whenever I saw him, he was always happy.....
May your soul rest in peace Uncle Gerry.......
Photos from the 60s
Awarded The best instrumentalist in his section.... Hahaha......I had no idea.....!
On the Go Show 1968 Audio recording...............
An artist even............... I guess when you're creative, there are no areas you can't try your hand at...
Some of the music composed by him...... played with my dad and other uncle... they really just jammed every chance they got.......
It's Sunday and I'm just here crying at Britain's got talent auditions. Hahahaa... It's not as melancholy as it sounds, it's cool out, heater on.... Its where I want to be today. When a 15 year old guy sits down in front of a piano...... And sings a billy Joel song...... I'm already cold.... Then pan to dad and younger brother (of about 8 yrs) ...... dad's got tears in his eyes with full hope and nerves, basically feeling everything on behalf of his son.... Then you see the younger brother and he's welling up, chin trembling and his tears start to fall..... An eight year old boy, crying, for his brother, well that was me. I was finished...
Oh and of course he got through.. Happy tears........ The best kind.
And check this other guy out, because It's my new favorite song....
Wow, to be out of practice..... It isn't easy.... you type something, delete it, type another thing, delete that... At least I'm living in modern times, where pulling the page out of my olivetti and crumpling it up is a familiar writers' experience I don't need to be concerned with. Though my concern would be more with the basketball hoop throw I need to make into the trash can. That said, it's no less disheartening. I imagine as with anything that you need to revisit (sort of 'post novice' style), you just ease into it. Like riding a bike after years, you're a little wobbly at first, but eventually you're Chris Froome in the Tour de France .......... leading........
I tried to carry you and make you whole, but it was never enough, I must go.......
Who is gonna save you when I'm gone? And who'll watch over you when I'm gone?
You say you care for me but hide it well.... How can you love someone and not yourself?
And when I'm gone who will break your fall? Who will you blame?
I can't go on and let you lose it all... It's more than I can take.....
I haven't written in a while.... and it's obvious why, when I think about it. We only get creative through feelings of pain, chaos or confusion. Not that I am ever entirely free of these things, but there's an acceptable norm that comes with life.... and then there are the parts that shouldn't be acceptable at all, really....
If I had to be told I had 5 years left to live............ what would go through my mind... Would I be happy with where I am ? Would I feel that I've done the right thing by everyone I care about? But more importantly done right by "me"?
The point is... we don't get told. We just live each day hoping that we are part of the norm (live a long life, leave this earth when we're old and tired) But nobody knows what's in store. So how do we please everyone and please ourselves at the same time? Or do we just choose one person who, when you're pleasing them, you're pleasing yourself and visa versa, as it is that way for them as well. I guess then you've got it right. How difficult is this though... I guess that's why there are so many lonely hearts in the world.
It's not fair that people hurt other people, it's not fair that people die young, it's not fair that the ones who are still around are not living their lives right and the ones who were - die. It's not always the case. But a lot of the time it is.. Sometimes I believe that the deaths that are the most shocking to accept are the lessons for the living. It hurts and affects us when the people who are meant to go, go. How terrible that we need to constantly be taught the lesson that life is short...we aren't chasing our dreams or making the most of what we're meant to.
We all have choices........... how much we choose to accept, how much we choose to ignore..... how much we choose to let in...... what we choose to do, say and feel.
I don't know where people like James Bay come from... or what inspires them... but I know one thing, I feel deeply connected to them. Not many people care for melancholy music, I can only guess it's because they don't understand it, because it doesn't do anything for them, there's no emotive connection.. Which is fine. But I realise I am quite deep and emotional, and I can't change that, no matter how I've tried...... I'm drawn to this because of the passion you can see and hear in their songs...... Sometimes I feel like if nothing ever turned out as planned, but I could listen to music like this every day for the rest of my life, I would feel privileged. James Bay I found you just this morning and already you are as close to my heart as a few other musicians are. I don't want to take you out of my ears because when I listen to you today, it anchors my soul. No one will understand that, but I do, and that's fine.
I often wonder if being smart and being a romantic are conflicting character traits. Is it heart vs mind? Are people who follow their heart always going to end up being the ones who get mistreated or hurt? Will the smart ones always be the ones holding the cards, because they understand that deep emotions make us irrational, and they live in world where they don't like the feeling of not being in control of their decisions and feelings, so they choose mind over heart? I like to believe you can be both.....But at least I know I'm not mad... while most people just want to be loved...... seems wanting to give love as much as wanting to receive it is actually a thing. People don't understand that, they'll think it's all about you you you... But it's always actually us us us.............
HOPELESS ROMANTIC .............."defined"
A hopeless
romantic dreams of who they will spend the rest of their life with and
what the two of them will do together. They dream of
being loved but also loving somebody. They don't just want somebody to
hold them. They also want to hold someone. They realize that love isn't
just about one person but both people.
This person is in love with love. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the
sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful - when you get to
know them.They often live with rose colored glasses on.They make
love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their
special someone.
A Hindu saint who was visiting river
Ganges to take a bath, found a group of family members on the banks,
shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked.
'Why do people shout in anger at each other?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because when we lose our calm, we shout.'
'But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you?
You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.'asked
the saint
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.
Finally the saint explained, .
'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot.
To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other.
The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each
other to cover that great distance.
What happens when two people
fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, Because
their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either
nonexistent or very small...'
The saint continued,'When they love
each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper'n
they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need
not whisper, they only look at each other'n that's all. That is how
close two people are when they love each other.'
He looked at his disciples and said.
'So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words
that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the
distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.'
I think in life we try so hard to follow our hearts with guided assistance of the mind... and although this method is implored on us..... I'm starting to see the holes in it. We're not meant to change who we are deep inside... the hopeless romantic shouldn't have to become a cynic of true love, the dreamer shouldn't have to come back down to earth if he enjoys dreaming. But life for some reason, and the people we believe in the most, often tends to gently hack away at what we believe in with all it's tests and obstacles.
Sometimes you feel like you've been through so many tests............. you've endured........... you've grown.......... you've fought tooth and nail........ and picked up some scars along the way......... and yet as close to finish line as you are, it's like someone somewhere is laughing in the background saying "fooled you"
I guess we only make fools of ourselves when we allow ourselves to run a race that can't be won.
